Time To Ban Baseball, Apple Pie and Urinals

In the quest to make maleness illegal and destroy any distinction between men and women the radical progressive left has entered into our restrooms. Funny how the left screams about Republicans being in their bedrooms and wombs in the imaginary war on women but have no qualms whatsoever in invading the restroom and demanding gender neutrality while using the toilet. I happen to think a lot of things are going in the toilet these days, but I regress.

Lets get started shall we?

In places like The Peoples Republic of California elementary aged and so-called ‘transgender’ kids are being granted permission to use whatever restrooms they want. Absurd I realize, as a 5 year old should have no clue about sexuality to speak of but the left assures us that little kids, not yet in kindergarten fully understand their gayness. Uh huh- kids that believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy understand adult sexual behavior and desires? Sure they do; just about as much as they understand flying reindeer.

At any rate with this in mind I think we should just jump to the next logical conclusion with regards to the public toilet. It is time to eliminate the urinal, after all it is a blatant symbol of sexism and it is demeaning to women who battle each day to overcome male privilege. It is also an affront to the LGBT community in general. It should simply be outlawed immediately. Can you imagine how many gay, lesbian and transgendered kids in elementary schools alone could suffer irrevocable emotional damage just by seeing a device that openly accepts and promotes the notion that boys actually have penises and are different biologically from girls? I know, shocking right?

While we are at it I think all public restrooms should be gender neutral and open to anyone. In fact we should not even put doors on restrooms, I mean why does anyone deserve any privacy when they really don’t even need it. After all we should all be comfortable enough with this brave new progressive liberal world that we should air-dry our ‘no-longer-private-parts’ after voiding our bowels and bladders. How insensitive it would be to actually try to condition people to the sexist social norms of closing doors and defecating in private. Let’s be honest, a bathroom door is little more than a barrier to equality and frankly strikes me as misogynistic. Time to tear down the barriers of freedom my friends.

Furthermore, how dare I stand up when urinating! Who the hell do I think I am anyway, standing up and urinating I might as well scream my approval of male privilege over the centuries and let women know how superior I really am.

While we are at it, I think there are a whole host of things we must simply get rid of immediately to make sure that the institutions of racism, sexism, colonialism, privilege and surely anything that promotes America is removed from plain sight to make sure no one could possibly be offended by anything ever again.

Let’s start with Baseball. America’s pastime has a rich history of racism and bigotry. It clearly should be removed immediately from the mainstream of the nation. After all the first black man to play the game, Jackie Robinson, didn’t get a chance to play in the bigs until 1947, decades after pro baseball debuted. Therefore just like the demands of emotionally damaged college kids to remove any reference to Woodrow Wilson at Princeton, for his well-known racist leanings, we should remove any references to baseball anywhere in America because there was a time, 20 years before I was born, that the game was segregated. Anyone can see how this could be psychologically devastating to those born decades later and watching the World Series on TV.

In fact while we are at it, I think it is pretty clear that all professional sports in America should be banned right now. The NFL, NBA and even the NHL, have long histories of not letting in players of color, well that is, before they did.

And even worse, today in the year 2015, there is still not a single woman playing professional baseball, football, basketball or hockey in the aforementioned leagues. I am sure my own daughter, upon realizing she has no chance to ever weigh 325 pounds and start at left tackle for the Oakland Raiders, could face a life of uncertainty, self doubt and a total sense of helplessness.

Speaking of television, that is another place that we could get rid of this the long-standing bias’ and prejudice that permeates from the small screen. There was a time when white people were about the only ones on TV. There was a time when the entertainment industry had virtually no actors of color. With that in mind, it is almost certainly a place that marginalized people of various backgrounds and therefore it should be removed from the public arena at once. Can you imagine the number of kids born in the 1990’s that might be shocked to hear, decades before they were born, the world was a different place? This could easily create an environment and mindset that would violate the very idea of ‘safe spaces’; and that simply will not do. Unplug the tube and outlaw television.

Mainstream music was also dominated by a pale white cast for decades and therefore I think we should shut down all radio stations, end the use of all iPods, iTunes, Pandora, Spotify or anything else that continues to turn a profit in an industry that was once dominated by primarily white men.

In fact- I think we should pull the plug on Apple altogether, after all Steve Jobs wasn’t a genius by any stretch of the imagination, he was just a guy that used roads and other facilities paid for by others (likely the victims of capitalism) and drove his company to the top fueled solely by white privilege. He was not exceptional in any way, he was simply a white guy who got special treatment.

It is time to take all of the money created by Apple and redistribute it to the people that really earned it and deserve it; that of course is anyone that isn’t white currently living in the United States or wants to live in the United States or has ever thought about living in the United States or just thinks America is a bad place. Spread the cash.

In fact are you old enough to remember the TV commercial about America put out by Chevrolet- it went something like ‘Baseball, Hotdogs, Apple Pie and Chevrolet’.

I think it is pretty obvious that every single one of these things should be banned as soon as possible to prevent the emotional damage that is clearly inevitable if we don’t act now.

Lets review how easy it is to find offense in just about everything, everyday if you are just willing to become a progressive victim.

Baseball- we already covered that, it is a game founded by racists, promoted by racists and rooted in bigotry.

Hotdogs- this is easy; pigs are being raised for the express purpose of feeding people, which is clearly in violation of their express animal rights- not to mention that porcine flatulence contributes to global climate disruption change, which according to liberals leads to unrest, and then hostility and ultimately creates an environment where young men buy AK-47’s and make suicide vests, before killing as many innocent people as possible in bloody rampages thousands of miles away from home. I hope you choke on your wiener.

Apple Pie, I mean Johnny Appleseed was white, enough said.

And of course Chevrolet, like every American company, was built on the sweaty backs of working people that were clearly exploited by the man in pursuit of profits. And what the hell would they do with their money anyway- probably just squander it on ‘Baseball, hotdogs, apple pie and Chevrolet.’

Now do you understand?